Well, it's official. I'm in a definite slump. Since my return from the big California adventure, I've pretty much made every effort to avoid everyone and everything in my life right now. I've tried writing an account of my experience several times over now, but every time I write, I just get deflated all over again and give up.

LEGO has always been an icon for me. Nothing in my life has so captivated my attention and fostered so many years of happiness and creativity. When I became a finalist with a chance to join the elite Master Builder team my heart skipped a beat--no, not because of my heart murmur--but because my dream world and my reality were suddenly on the verge of collision.

Dead broke after several weeks of light carpentry hours and Christmas to boot, I was testing the limitations of Mr. Visa and Mrs. MasterCard. Like so many other times in my life, friends surprised me with generosity beyond my comprehension. Bob (the guy I work with) gave me $300 as a good luck bonus and friends Tim, Howie and Matt offered to split the hotel and car rental expenses with me as an added break. With finances well in check, I was completely focused and thrilled at the opportunity before me.

The whole first leg of the trip was amazing. I had a wonderful flight over. We were 20 minutes early and I had three seats to myself the whole time. The hotel was spectacular...3 hot tubs in my book gets 5 stars! Everyone was super friendly. Complete strangers offered me a free ride up the coast to the park. The LEGO representatives and staff treated us like royalty. We got a first class dinner with all the fixings and entertainment to boot. I loved being able to hang out with the current master builders. We hit it off so well. I knew this was the place for me. For the first time in this whole adventure, I actually felt like I was really going to get my fantasy job at LEGO.

The skill test went great. I felt very comfortable and enthusiastic at the interviews and relished my chance to speak with LEGO book author David Sheff about all the family and friends who had made my whole trip a reality. He seemed to take a liking to me and even stood right by my side as the President of Legoland made the winner announcements after the final build-off on Friday.

At dinner the night before the build-off, it was revealed that there would actually be three positions available for the job. I knew that Nathan from New York was by far my greatest competition and suspected that they would choose a female as well since there was currently only one female master builder and they had several now to choose from. With the two new positions, I realistically figured my best shot was going for that third spot.

Even though I guessed that they were ultimately looking for sculptors--which I was not--I slept quite well the night before the big day. I was in my element; smiling at every chance in this slow-motion moment in time. I knew that I was swimming with an amazing pool of talent, yet there were no waves or sharks to frighten me. Everyone I came in contact with seemed so genuine and gifted. I was thrilled just to be in their presence.

The morning of the big day, I decided to just build something that would be a whole lot of fun. I couldn't compete as a sculptor, but I sure as hell could give them a run for their money with my creativity. When all was said and done, two hours and 4000+ pieces had transformed my sterile blue table space into an airplane amusement ride that actually worked with the wind. It had so little friction that it would rotate around a center point, articulate up and down and rotate yet again at the two outer points to create an almost scrambler-type effect that the audience and fellow applicants seemed to love. I had a blast building it and literally worked down to the wire before finally looking up with pride at my friends who had been there to support me.

I realized at that moment that the job really wasn't the special part of the whole trip. I couldn't help but think back to all those special memories leading up to the day. I couldn't help but smile with thoughts of being slash-dotted, meeting so many supportive people, knowing that in some weird way I was representing the hopes and energies of so many others who saw my whole experience as something powerful and inspirational.

When John (the President of Legoland) got up on stage, I was ready for anything. Seeing Nathan's groupie section of about fifteen screaming fans each flown in from New York to support him was a hoot. All I could think of was how my mom would be louder than all of them combined given the chance to join me. But they were too much fun to watch nonetheless. When his name was read out loud, the place erupted! It was like the Beatles or Elvis had just walked on stage. I was so happy for him. He was giving up his law practice, six-figure salary and moving away from everything safe for a chance at following his dream.

Kristi and Aaron were both at the top of my list as finalists, so I was equally thrilled when they got the nod. I knew that LEGO had done a fine job at selecting the winners and was not disappointed by any of them. David Sheff looked up at me after the final announcement and seemed surprised that his disappointment was not shared by me. He gave me a solid handshake and asked to speak with me later. I was amazingly at ease. I just wanted to keep playing with my new toy in front of me now that all the media, winners and LEGO representatives were whisked away and out of sight.

We all sat at our tables for a good ten minutes or so assuming that someone would return to give some instruction and send us off on our way. After 15 minutes, many of the finalists decided to get up and take a look at what other creations were around them. We were all in pretty good spirits anticipating what was next in store for us. A few remained giddy, wondering if they could take home what they built.

There were no farewell remarks, no "Thank you for coming," no instructions on when to leave or where to go. Everyone who had been so wonderful had abandoned us. There were literally no LEGO representatives in sight. That's when the whole experience started to change. Twenty-four brilliant finalists were left behind, each with only their new creation and private thoughts to comfort them as an eerie silence weighed down on those few still present.

It was then that a couple from Nathan's group came over and asked to come closer to see what I had built. They were so cute with their matching t-shirts promoting Nathan's LEGO website. You should check it out sometime if you really want to be impressed.

"You know, Nathan was quite nervous about you. Of all the other contestants, it was your name that came up. I downplayed it in front of him but realized that you really were something special when I saw you interacting with people and then saw what you had built today. You may not have been picked but you're sure to have something come your way as a result of all this."

I thanked them for the kind words and congratulated Nathan again for his accomplishment. They definitely reminded me of my family and friends who had been so great throughout this whole thing.

As encouraging as their words were however, the fact remained that we were all still there awaiting the return of somebody...anybody.

No one returned, however. No one came back.

Almost in a state of disbelief, after about a half an hour of waiting, one by one these wonderful finalist decided to leave. I felt foolish, yet asked that my friends go have fun and meet up with me later while I waited for the LEGO people to get back. I waited a full 45 minutes before I finally went to a gift shop to ask that someone be contacted. Finally, a familiar face arrived. He was only the guy who helped walk us across the street, but at least he was somehow a part of the whole event. I approached him and asked what was next, almost apologizing for not keeping the others there to follow his instructions. There were probably only 4 of us at this point, each witness to his confusion.

"Yeah, um, well. They chose the winners. So you guys can go now. I mean if you need a ride back to the hotel or something I can see if we can help you get there, but it's all over so you're free go."

Completely deflated, I couldn't believe that that was what I had waited for. After all the fanfare and circumstance, those were hardly the words I had anticipated and hoped for. Disappointment consumed me.

"So all these people who flew thousands of miles, took time off of work and spent hundreds of dollars to be here don't even get the decency of a thank you or farewell handshake? You don't even want to acknowledge the sacrifices that everyone made to be a part of this whole thing??"

Struck by the emotion surfacing through each word from my mouth, the poor guy didn't know what to do.

"Hey, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what I can do. I can give you a ride to the hotel or maybe even the airport if you need it. Otherwise you're more than welcome to enjoy the rest of the day at the park. You don't have to leave right away if you don't want to."

I told him to forget it and then disappeared for a long walk alone through the park. I just wanted to be home at that very moment. I didn't want to be there any more. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to face my friends and pretend not to be hurt.

Eventually returning to the competition area, I noticed that another finalist had returned and was taking her name plate from her table as a sole souvenir from the event. At this point park folk were breaking everything down and confronted her saying that she wasn't allowed to take anything with her. She put up a stink and finally got them to concede--for a frikken name plate!! When the hell would they ever use a bent piece of plastic with her name on it again?!?! I was in disbelief. Not only were we not able to take home our creations which at retail had no more than a fifty dollar value which I'm sure cost them nothing as brick, but we were also given grief about the fifty cent pieces of plastic with our names on them!

Matt asked me if I minded if he kept mine which I was just planning on leaving behind anyways. So, with my 50 cents worth of dignity left, we made one last round at the park and then headed back to San Diego for the rest of the weekend.

David Sheff was kind enough to call me on Monday after the trip to follow up with me. He expressed again how surprised he was that I was not one of the three and then informed me that his exit interviews with many of the other applicants revealed that most of them shared his sentiments. I appreciated the gesture and thanked him again for call. He says he still wants to stay in touch with me and may even visit the east coast soon to speak with my friends and family.

It's now three weeks after the fact and I still have not been able to shake my sadness. It's pathetic really. I have no real reason to waste my energies on something that seems trivial to most and almost insulting to others with real problems and heartache. All I can say is that the one company that I adored like a family member has somehow unknowingly let me down. It's not the end of my world...just the end of my dream.